Everyone In America To Recieve $62,500 Because We Are Terrible Rihanna Abusers

Public service website of goodness and white hats Gawker.com posted a story today about how we are all human garbage now because we all sold that picture of Rihanna showing how she got all smacked up by the self aware lip scab Chris Brown to the TMZ.com vultures. If you are wondering what that picture looks like, fret not! The good folks at Gawker have posted the image on the story. The image that they did not pay for because paying is reprehensible, but that showing is all good. Then they tell us that we all know more about ourselves now that we know how much some asshole in LA got for it, and we all are terrible asshats, forever. Yeah, OK.

 

Price of Battered Rihanna Pic: $62,500[Gawker]

 

Posted By: Doug L Y

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Earth, Wind & Fire at the WH this weekend!

Just heard it on Rachel Maddow. As she said, this ain’t the Bush White House anymore. I’m Dolemite muthafucka!

Posted By: Robert

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Uh…

Yeah so appearently some Hindus in India drink bull urine because it’s so good for them and their cancer and diabeetus and whatnot. So some group called the RSS, which is against western influence like Coca-cola and the evil Pepsi has decided to make the most western move ever and go Capitalist by selling people bull piss, in the can. This is quite similar to what Jimmy Dean does when it puts everything but the moo (or the oink, as it were) on a stick for backwater non-cooking retards to microwave after getting home from the Wal-mart.

Thanks to Daily Suffering sacred fluids operative “Amy” for the tip! Got a hot tip? Send it to blogslut@gmail.com !

 

They call it Mellow Yellow? [REUTERS]

 

Posted By: Doug L Y

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Scholarly CNN Commenters Shed Much Needed Light Of Reason On Bristol Palin’s Bastard Child Drama

That's Right, We Don't Need Daddy, Do We?
Bristol Palin made shockingly well adjusted and forward thinking statements to CNN today, prompting a firestorm of  anger from real Americans with varying types and degrees of sexual dysfunction, which they were quick to project onto her. And so once again, we turn to the erudite commenters of CNN. This time in an effort to navigate the dangerous moral waters of  teen pregnancy.
“Hayden Zeke” starts us off with this simply profound and eloquent observation:
The whole bunch is gypsies, tramps and thieves starting with her thunderthighs mother.
Next, comedy genius “Jaye” gives us his hilariously childlike and provincial view of Christianity as it relates to Sarah Palin:

This girl and her boyfriend was just another tool used by Sara Palin to try and get elected.
What happened to the wedding that Palin said was going to take place?
Just more lies from Sara Palin – and she profeses to be such a christian. Well, christians do not lie….they also don’t use their children to further their careers the way palin used her pregnant daughter and downs syndrome baby.
Sara Palin is a sick minded evil woman that will stop at nothing to get attention, and get elected.

Then, old “California Kid” came through with a comment so far off the mark that even your esteemed co-editor, who can make fun of anything, was momentarily disconcerted and unsure if the vastly intelligent readership of your Daily Suffering should even be exposed to the terrifyingly backward logic that makes this moron think that LIBERALS are attacking Bristol Palin for sexytiming out of wedlock and then honestly stating that abstinence is “not realistic”. But in the end, sadly, I am unable to resist showing you this dead bird of utter incongruity:

You democrats need to stop the bickering and attacking the republicans. And you all need to leave Sarah and her family alone. You are all rediculous. If anything about obama is up, you praise it but anything about palin or any republican, you attack. Get a clue you liberals.

 Yeah so then “THE OLD TIMER” took his/her opportunity to post this sad and, probably, oft told story of human suffering because, fuck I don’t know, the post mentioned a child?:

way to go Bristol. I wish these bashers out there would look at the good side of this SHE KEPT THE BABY.. now ask someone who has lost a child to a drunk driver. It changes all perspectives on child rearing and abortion.

Yes my son was killed a by a off duty police officer still in his squad car and in his uniform off duty ran off the road and killed my son.

NOW YOU PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO TALK DON,T SAY A WORD UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN IN SOMEONE ELSES SHOES.

I glad that she has a heathy child there is a place in heaven for people like her the rest of the bashers will go to hell.

Next the loser shut-in “filcom” told everyone about how they didn’t do sex till their 20’s and then floated the preposterous notion that “millions” of others had waited that long too. Yeah right filcom, whatever it takes to make you rationalize your freakishly late beginning of sexual activeness!:

I believe in abstinence, that’s why I lost my virginity in my 20’s. However, I came from the East where people are generally more conservative. It is difficult to maintain good moral values in this country because of the liberalism, so abstinence here might extremely be difficutl to achieve.

 

Finally, in the interest of equal time, sort of, we will give exposure to “Common sense”, a real live seemingly reasonable republican who sneaks one in on us by sounding all normal till the end of the post when the facade cracks, revealing the crazed Palin supporter violently thrashing just below the surface:

What a breath of fresh air – common sense. She speaks her mind; tell the truth even if it offends some; takes responsibility, but maturely advises other teens NOT to follow her lead. She has got a good head on her shoulders — just like Mom

Ha ha! that one almost had you didn’t it!

 

Abstinence ‘is not realistic,’ Palin’s daughter says [CNN Political Ticker]

 

Posted By: Doug L Y

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England, France Bump Nuclear Powered Phalluses In The Dark. How Gay Are They, Right?

A British sub and a French sub had a gay sword fight recently in the Atlantic Ocean while they were carrying around some nuclear weapons. The French sub’s nuclear weapons surrendered immediately, because they are French. The British subs nuclear missiles spilled tea all over themselves and have bad teeth. The End.

 

Thanks to Daily Suffering docking operative “LesObvious” for the tip! Got a hot tip? send it to blogslut@gmail.com !

 

Posted By: Doug L Y

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Poorly Researched Weekend Round-Up

  • Illinois Senator Roland Burris, who was appointed by scandal embroiled/ousted Governor/hair-o-phile Rod Blagojevich, got all defensive about why he didn’t tell people about how he talked all day like a teenage girl on the phone to Blago’s friends about how much he liked Senatorship and how it wasn’t a lie not to tell them, by omission. He did this because the FBI is about to release tapes of him talking all day to everybody Rod Blagojevich ever met, basically.
  • Failed Republican Presidential candidate and all around wife leaving Maverick John McCain shocked the nation when he toed the Republican party line this weekend and said President Barack Obama, a Democrat, has been a huge disappointment so far. As usual, CNN does the legwork for your faithful co-editor.
  • Various witnesses remarked with ridiculous surprise at how violent plane crashes are. Then the NTSB used black boxes to back that up.
  • Our nations President, who has been black for some time now, took an Illinois lawmaker on a trip to Illinois, because it was on the way, no pressure, and the Illinois lawmaker spilled his guts about the whole deal. This is the second time a honky has burned President Obama after a trip in his pimp ass ride.
  • And finally, this is for you dear readers, to enjoy as a Valentine from the staff of Daily Suffering. It requires a great deal of hard liqour to even… Just read it please.

 

Posted By: Doug L Y

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Happy Birthday Simpsons Cartoon Guy!

Yum, Marge.

Yum, Marge.

Today is Matt Groening’s birthday. I decided to dig around The Simpsons Quotes web site for my Top 10 favorite Simpsons quotes. Feel free to suggest better ones.

Mr. Burns: I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power … like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Bart: I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I’m proud of you! I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Superintendent Chalmers: I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children…

Comic Book Guy: Last night’s ‘Itchy and Scratchy Show’ was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured, I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Comic Book Guy: The Internet King? I wonder if he could provide faster nudity… .

Homer: I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!

Marge: You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.

Kent Brockman: I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: democracy just doesn’t work.

Posted By: Robert

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